Letters to My Future Boyfriend – A Journaling Technique

(To my bloggEEs: I want to share another personal musing along with a journaling technique you can use. As you may know, I have been single for a while. I am living a beautifully full life in my childfree singlehood. That said, I believe it is time for me to explore deep, meaningful, loving partnership in this, my last act. So, I started a journal, writing letters to my future person. My future mate. My future sweetie.  In the letters, I sort out what I want, what I fear, what I don’t want, what inner work I still need to do, who I am, and who he is. On occasion, he writes back. If you are looking for partnership, you might want to write your own collection of letters!  *Let us know if you do.* And if, dear bloggEEs, my future boyfriend is cavorting in your neighborhood, please send him my way. You know where to find me.)

This is one of my first letters:

Dear Future Boyfriend,

You will need to know some things about me before you venture into my world, into the lush jungle that is my rainforest mind.

I’ll start with my head. I have a lot of hair. Massive amounts of exuberant, overexcitable, ridiculous hair. I try to control it. But I am unsuccessful. You might think that this is a wonderful thing. But I’m warning you. Wildly untamed aspects of my psyche live in my curls.

Next. I am sensitive. Very sensitive. This is good if you need me to be perceptive, insightful, generous, loving, and kind. This is not good if you want to avoid dealing with the effects of your dysfunctional family of origin. And if you like emotions, I’m your gal. Deep, intense, rich emotions. But you will be happy to know I have been in therapy for many years, so the rage is, well, negligible. It only surfaces in times of extreme stress or when I feel trapped. Or when I run out of estrogen. Or hair products.

Like many of the rainforest-minded, I am on a spiritual quest. I’m obsessed with living into a heart-centered, purposeful, magical life. (You, too?)  I want to contribute something meaningful to our troubled planet and connect to a spirituality that I suspect is both inside me and around me. Unlike those who find their spirituality in religion or nature, however, my quest takes me other places.

I find my connection to the Mystery in more unusual ways. Once, while dancing the Argentine tango, I felt a spiritual message coming from under the dance floor. Yes, under the dance floor. It was a message of support and sweetness from what I imagine as The Big Love or, since you are probably a Star Wars fan, as The Force.

And if that isn’t odd enough, I also sing. But it’s not what you think. Although I used to have a penchant for Broadway musicals, I now seem to be singing soothing, sometimes amusing, melodies channeled from distant galaxies. When we meet, I will demonstrate. Because you are my mate, it will all make sense. It will make sense, in a compelling, metaphysical, rainforest-y way.

Oh, did I mention I am a psychotherapist seeking to change the world one dysfunctional family at a time?

There are normal things about me I could share. And I will in future letters. I just thought I would get some of the weirder stuff my more unique traits out of the way. Just to be sure you know what you are getting into.

So that’s me, Future Boyfriend. I would like you to show up soon. I am not getting any younger. And we have things to do. Dances to dance. Songs to sing. Hair to control. Magic to make.

May The Big Love be with you,


Author: Paula Prober

I’m a psychotherapist and consultant in private practice based in Eugene, Oregon. I specialize in international consulting with gifted adults and parents of gifted children. I’ve been a teacher and an adjunct instructor at the University of Oregon and a frequent guest presenter at Oregon State University and Pacific University. I’ve written articles on giftedness for the Eugene Register-Guard, the Psychotherapy Networker, Advanced Development Journal and online for psychotherapy dot net, Rebelle Society, Thrive, Introvert Dear, and Highly Sensitive Refuge. My first book, Your Rainforest Mind: A Guide to the Well-Being of Gifted Adults and Youth, is a collection of case studies of gifted clients along with many strategies and resources for gifted adults and teens. My second book, Journey Into Your Rainforest Mind: A Field Guide for Gifted Adults and Teens, Book Lovers, Overthinkers, Geeks, Sensitives, Brainiacs, Intuitives, Procrastinators, and Perfectionists is a collection of my most popular blog posts along with writing exercises for self-exploration and insight.

36 responses to “Letters to My Future Boyfriend – A Journaling Technique”

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  3. Lucy Swann Avatar
    Lucy Swann

    My goodness, Paula. You are wonderful. Just felt like telling you that. Loved your letter. You’re a freagin’ catch.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Aw…thanks Lucy.So sweet of you.

  4. The Write Stylus Avatar
    The Write Stylus

    Grand idea.

  5. cherylhlmn Avatar

    This blog has helped me in ways that therapy really can’t get to.

    I married someone so very opposite from me, thinking…believing that activities we shared would bridge the chasm. I spent six years feeling more lonely than I felt when I was single. Not because we didn’t love one another. But we didn’t “get” one another. My brain works in weird and magical ways. I can put things together that don’t make sense to an engineer. I do a, b, r, z, n, e as a path whereas it seems my ex did a,b,c….

    Dr. Suess wrote a book…”On Beyond Zebra” which was a favourite for me to read to my rainforest son. He “got” it.

    He could and does know what I am going to say before I say it. We can and often do, finish each other’s sentences.

    I want that…in my lover. My soulmate. I think I can start writing to the universe for my next “beloved”.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      A great way to say it…”My brain works in weird and magical ways.” Emphasis on the magical!! Thank you for sharing, cherylhimn.

  6. Marina Berts Avatar
    Marina Berts

    Absolutely. As you know, the fact is that we’re not too energetic, too smart or too this or too that. We’re just very energetic, very smart etc.. And that might trigger emotions in others, such as anger or jealousy. Everybody feels anger, which is one of the basic emotions we have available in our emotional repertoire. But what if you met someone you liked and was totally franc with him/her about this, telling him/her about being “too” this or that and what is important to you in your relationship, perhaps that could create a better growing ground for mutual love and understanding? And if the other makes that effort for you, perhaps it would be fruitful to make an effort yourself to love and accept the other one, as he/she is, even with possible anger/jealousy bursts? Perhaps you could see the anger as a trigger to meaningful discussion and exchange that could lead to a better understanding? That is, if the other person is open to such discussion! And that is crucial, at least to me, in a relationship. My husband was very jealous of me when it became clear that I am an RFM, and we had a difficult time. But finally, we could talk about it (in therapy) and today he even appreciates my being fast and curious (lol), because it stimulates him, too.

  7. itssue42 Avatar

    OK that’s a book I’ll pre-order right now!! 😀 The biggest dilemma of my life for over 60 years was “What is wrong with me? Why am I so unlovable?”.
    Then I found this incredible RFM universe and delighted (and cried, etc) to find out that I’m not unlovable…..
    so now, the big problem is indeed how on earth, or any other planet, does an RFM with all their energy and complexity and insatiable curiosity EVER hope to find another human who would actually not only LOVE all that but also find it invigorating and just what they were looking for?? Haven’t even come close yet, and confess it feels insurmountable. If I just be the best me that I can be, for myself, well then maybe the universe will smile and hand out some serendipity for me sometime in the next 50 years. 🙂

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      I will keep you posted, Sue! I’m just getting started. Will post about it to reach more folks probably next to ask people to email their questions and experiences.

    2. Marina Berts Avatar
      Marina Berts

      itssue42, you are so right. But you know, two RFMs don’t always work well together, because we RFM people are still very different one from another. What would you say if we changed the point of view? What if RFM people could put themselves in the centre and say “Am I prepared to love and share life with someone very different from me? How far am I ready to go with a partner?” Sharing life with another person is difficult for everybody, not only for RFM people. Lots of people get separated and divorced. I have been sharing my life with a non-RFM person for 35 years now, and what I have grown to understand is this: the efforts must come from both sides. He needs to understand, respect and accept my differences and limitations just as I need to understand , respect and accept his. Because we ARE different. Being different does not mean that we cannot share life nor love each other. It is crucial for my partner to understand and live with the fact that I am much faster than him and that my brain works differently from his. But as long as this is not clear to myself, I cannot explain this to him. For many many years, I walked around totally blind to my own needs and to my own RFM nature, because I had had no guidance to what a RFM is. I was 48 when I realised I am a RFM, so I can clearly see a “before” and “after” in my relationship with my partner. Things are much clearer now between us. My partner needed me to explain what the RFM means to me, over and over again, until it became a fact, a fact that we now can joke about (oh, the ego is a mighty enemy!!). But he needs my help to understand how I work. So first of all, I needed to figure it out myself, I needed to accept myself as a RFM and also understand how I work, who I really am and what my specific needs are. If I know what I need in my relationship, it’ll be easier to express this and to help the other one understand and respect my needs. And no, my partner does not love everything in me as I don’t love everything in him, but we can talk about it and find compromises – joke about our specificities, and be tolerant. Because what unites us is much stronger than what separates us!

      1. Paula Prober Avatar
        Paula Prober

        Oh, Marina, thank you! This is the kind of thing I will be asking for as I do the research for the book. Wise words!

      2. itssue42 Avatar

        I agree Marina — I’ve thought that the likelihood of 2 RFMs coalescing together under the same roof might be just a bit crazed for both. And we RFMs are all SO different from each other, much more so than the average schmoo human, most of whom seem to avoid thinking whenever possible.
        My thought has been that I would love someone who, no matter what, would accept me, as I am. And NOT every get angry or jealous because I was too energetic, or too smart, or too this, or too that, or too…..
        Someone who would be secure in who they are

  8. Paula Prober Avatar
    Paula Prober

    Hi dears. I am starting on a new book project that this post and my search for partnership has inspired. I will write more about this soon, probably in the next post, but here is the idea and my request. I am collecting the questions, thoughts, and experiences of RFMs who are looking for love in relationships/partnerships and the questions, thoughts, and experiences of those who have found it. What do you want to know? What has worked for you? What has not worked? I would love for you to email me directly with your responses. Write as much as you want. I would love to hear from all cultures and all ages! I may quote you in the book but will not reveal your identity. Email me directly at paula@rainforestmind.com. And thank you!!!!!!

  9. Sheep’s Wool Avatar
    Sheep’s Wool

    Have a great day, Paula. And here’s to a New Year, in which we can soar (at least some of the time, and with a good wind to soar steadily on! 😀) Maybe what I mean there is that we get to experience some times of ‘flow’). Fingers crossed.

  10. Sheep’s Wool Avatar
    Sheep’s Wool

    Happy New Year, Paula. Thank you for sharing aspects of yourself with us. You are a brave soul and this bravery affects me.
    Reading your letter and its picture of you as a rainforestminded person provided encouragement for me to be me also. You have done this often for us – a gentle sort of modelling that is so powerful when we are so used to obscuring parts ourselves to fit in. We can get acclimatised to that and forget ourselves, maybe even be afraid of being our full selves.
    On the more pertinent matter at hand 😀, I send warm wishes out to the universe that your mister person will turn up. Having read your letter specifically, I was doing some imagining, and I could see an ENFP or INTJ maybe fitting the bill for depth, appreciating quirkiness (originality), having perhaps come through an emotional journey, and being interested in learning. I also say that because I remember you mentioning you’re an INFJ personality type in the Myers Briggs system and those types could work well together. Those are just ideas to say that potential is there in the world.
    For my own part, I had a beautiful ENFP Dad and uncle, whose memory is dear to me.
    Lots of love to you and all who read this blog.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Oh, thank you so much, Sheep’s Wool!! Love back to you. <3 <3

  11. itssue42 Avatar

    Oh Paula, you are so sweet and brave and priceless. 🙂
    May we all find our loves, someone who truly understands us and not only loves us anyway, but revels in having finally found their soulmate.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Yes, Sue. It only makes sense to be in a relationship if it is based in absolute appreciation and love of who we are as our true selves!

  12. Florence Avatar

    Keep hope alive! He may come to you in the most unexpected way or show up in the most unexpected place……..so unexpected that it might take you a while to actually recognize its him. I can totally relate to you, Paula, as I too am single and childless and I’m nearing 50 years (whenever i say that, I usually get stares that say: what yet undiscovered planet are you from). Up to now, I’ve only had 3 boyfriends. My last boyfriend – the one that came the closes to a real and lasting relationship – was almost 20 years ago (or maybe its longer, i think). Haven’t dated since and to be totally honest, am not all that interested in a partner at all. I always feel I’m just not built for relationships; I don’t think there would be anyone who would like me – much less love me – as I am……me in all my introverted, rainforest minded glory! But just in case there might be someone out there for me, I think I’ll start your letter writing technique. It might spare the poor fellow the all the horrors of finding things out the hard way

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      I shall be on the lookout, Florence, in case he shows up unexpectedly. Yes, we are quirky, but in a good way. In a great way! So your person needs to love you because of who you are, not in spite of it! 🙂 That said, life can be quite fulfilling as a single, childfree person for sure.

  13. meximinnesotana Avatar

    Ooh, I love writing letters to our future selves. Sometimes it’s fun to reverse that and write a letter FROM our future self as well. I hope your letter lands quickly for just the right future boyfriend.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Yes! Future Self writing is a wonderful technique. To and from. Thanks for sharing!

  14. Marina Berts Avatar
    Marina Berts

    What a lovely letter, Paula! If I were not already busy with my soulmate/ if I were a man, I would immediately contact you and dance to the end of the world with you, messing around with your marvellous curls, sharing the Force with you and plodding along on the ‘Change the World One Dysfunctional Family At A Time’ Quest. There’s no doubt about it.
    Hey guys, you don’t know what you’re missing here!

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Aw….thanks Marina! 🙂

  15. Me68 Avatar

    What a great idea to write these letters…I shall try it.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Good. It’s actually fun. Enjoy, Me68!

  16. Paula Prober Avatar
    Paula Prober

    And here is another point of view from Heather Havrilesky. https://www.nytimes.com/2021/12/24/style/marriage-heather-havrilesky-foreverland.html

  17. annahjamesart Avatar

    Ha! Makes me think about writing to MY future boyfriend. No….not ready yet. ❤️

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      All in good time, Annah. No hurry.

  18. clignett Avatar

    How very sweet, brutally honest, warm, caring, non-judgmental and funny written! Love it!! ❤️❤️

    Maybe it’s a better way to write to a Future Boyfriend (or Partner or whatever someone needs) and put it out there in the universe to ponder about than to tell the person when you meet.. it seems like it has a lower impact, a more subtle way instead of confrontational..
    Might give it a go when I’m settled in my Future New House.. New beginnings and all that.. I’m not getting any younger either 🤣🙈..

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Thank you for your sweet feedback, clignett. Congratulations of your new house!!

      1. clignett Avatar

        Future New House is still a wish, I’m afraid. Still narrowing down the province and place I want to settle in. But it’s a very position and happy project, it will happen by the end of this year, I’m sure! Writing letters in my head to my Future New House 😊😁🙏

        1. clignett Avatar

          *position = positive 🙈🙄

  19. cmd1122 Avatar

    He’s out there somewhere, Paula. You will find him 🙂 It seems like we might be coming to the beginning of the end of the pandemic, which would make meeting someone easier. I’ll keep hoping that your paths cross.

    1. Paula Prober Avatar
      Paula Prober

      Thank you, cmd1122. I think it’s a matter of timing and I need to be patient!

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