I have a number of clients who are dealing with the pressure to live up to a “great potential,” or who are high achievers but still feel like they are failing, or who avoid activities where they might not succeed immediately. They can be extremely self-critical and anxious because they feel responsible to meet impossible standards and because the identity as a “gifted person” started at an early age. I began to write about this and then realized I already had! Many times! So here you go. Your very own compilation of articles on what I call extrinsic or unhealthy perfectionism. In case you are wondering I write about the healthy variety (striving for beauty, balance, harmony, precision, and justice) here. Click on the links below to read each entire article.
The Roots of Unhealthy Perfectionism and What to do About It
“…What if, from the time you were 2 years old, you were told how smart you were. Over and over. Enthusiastically. By (well-meaning) parents and doting relatives. What if they praised you repeatedly for your many achievements and your perfect grades. What if you could tell that your parents needed you to be smart; that they felt better about themselves because you were so capable. What if you were so persuasive that they gave you too much control and not enough limits…What if, when you arrived at elementary school, the work was too easy. You knew it before you were taught it. You learned things without really trying. What if you could get perfect scores on tests without studying and your scores were held up as an example for your fellow students. What if you were told by your teachers that you were the best student they’d ever had. Do you think that you might grow up terrified of failure? Afraid to disappoint others? …”
“…It’s complicated. You are not used to struggling because typically you learn many things quickly. But it is good and appropriate that some things take time and practice. This is how it is for most people. You may want to quit because this struggle may confirm in your mind that you are not gifted after all. But giftedness does not equal advanced abilities in all areas all the time! And you need to model for your kids that patience, practice, struggle, and setbacks are all part of growth and learning. Sometimes the greatest satisfaction comes after an achievement borne of struggle…”
If I’m so Smart, Why do I Feel Like a Failure?
“…Expectations were high. And so was the pressure. But you didn’t realize it at the time. Until you got to college. Suddenly, you were surrounded by smart kids. You were no longer the star. Not only that. Some of your classes were hard; studying was required. Studying? What’s that? You got your first “C.” You loved psychology and philosophy but you’d never faced a workload like this. No one else seemed to be having trouble. You started procrastinating, as usual, but last minute finishes didn’t work anymore. It was confusing and overwhelming. Your identity was crumbling; you became anxious and depressed…”
How to Face Your Fear of Failure
“…What if we all made lists of our so-called failures until we were no longer scared of them? We look them straight in the eyes and see how small and insignificant most of them are or, if, in fact, they are actually even failures. And for the big ones, perhaps, after we get some distance, we can see what we learned. You know the saying, right? You learn more from your failures than your successes. Well, it is true! Then, you might also examine what you are calling failures to see if they are losses but not failures…”
The Hazards of Praise and Too Much Smartness
“…Your worth as a human is not based on your smartness or your achievements. You are lovable because of your kindness, your compassion and your sensitivity. Your you-ness…”
“…Take a moment. Sit down with your child self. Look at their eager, idealistic, adorable face. Breathe. Hold this child close and say: No matter what you accomplish or don’t accomplish, you are a dear, kind, sensitive soul. No matter what you achieve or don’t achieve, you are loved. Achievements may come. Achievements may go. Love is the point...”
The Courage to Dive into Deep Therapy
You might also develop unhealthy perfectionism if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. “…It can be scary and frustrating to start the psychotherapy journey. But I promise you, it’s so worth it. I’ve been in and out of therapies for many years, working with different folks as my needs changed. I started in my 30’s. And, if you must know, I was a mess back then. And I am so much less of a mess now. Ask my sister. She’ll corroborate my story. And, hey. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the children in your life, in your community, and in your world. Stopping your family’s dysfunctional legacy will heal future and past generations. It just might make the world much less of a mess. You never know.”
I Have to Know it Before I Learn It: A Gifted Kid’s Conundrum
“…He came to believe that all learning should come easily. If it didn’t, there was something terribly wrong. Ben never learned how to study. Or that it was normal for some learning to be a struggle. Ironically, even though he felt like a failure and like he wasn’t smart because of his experiences in school, he also believed that he shouldn’t have to study something to understand it. This created confusion, anxiety, paralysis, and avoidance when there was a chance that he might not grasp a concept fast enough or succeed at a task. If it wasn’t easy, he didn’t do it…”
10 Signs You Are a Perfectionist and 10 Things You Can Do About It
1. You remember every mistake you ever made–even the time you threw the chair in kindergarten because you already knew that A is for Apple and you didn’t know why they didn’t seem to realize that A is actually for Ardent Avaricious Alligator…
__________________________________
To my bloggEEs: Are you dealing with this type of perfectionism? What has it been like? What have you found that is helpful? And, as always, thank you for being here and for your love notes. I am about to see a proof copy of my new book Saving Your Rainforest Mind: A Guided Journal for the Curious, Creative, Smart, & Sensitive. I am hoping I have learned enough about my own perfectionism that I don’t decide I need to rewrite the whole thing. Once I see and approve the proof, it might still take a month or so to launch. Hang in there with me!
Leave a Reply